Failure Truly Is An Option

Sometimes your aim is just a bit off.
Sometimes your aim is just a bit off.

                “Failure isn’t an option.”

                You’ve likely heard that line in a million movies, usually from the hero of the picture just before he leaves his allies behind to face alone the machinations of some overwhelming evil. Perhaps, within the context of a film, failure really isn’t an option. I mean, the script has been written, the scenes have been shot and, if failure wasn’t the plan of the screenwriter, our hero is likely to save the day by the skin of his teeth and offer at least one more line of cinematic wisdom.

                “Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?”

                “I’ll be back.”

                “Yippee-kaiyay, m—“

                Well, you get the idea. Heroes win. Oh, sure, they may have to crawl out of a hangover with a racist sandwich board on their backs and walk through Harlem first, but they’ll eventually come out on top.

                Life isn’t really like that, though.  And thank God for that. I mean, how insane would life be if it played itself out like an 80’s action picture? No, real life is not nearly so black and white…and sometimes the good guys lose. And that’s okay. Not every fight is against an enemy. Sometimes we fight against ourselves.

                For creative types like me (if, indeed, I’m worthy of such a label,) the fight is fought on many fronts. As a writer, I often have to fight to find time to work at my craft. The stay-at-home Dad gig is as rewarding as it is exhausting but you would think that I’d have time to write. You’d be wrong…and, when I do find time to sit down and write something like this blog entry, I am sure to be interrupted a dozen times or more before I finish it. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it can be to write something when your train of thought is consistently derailed.

  

Well, THAT didn't go as expected.
Well, THAT didn’t go as expected.
              Yes, the biggest battle I fight as a writer is certainly the one I wage against myself. I second guess myself into inaction. I worry about offending the sensibilities of readers even though I realize that my only real responsibility is to tell the best story that I can to the best of my ability. I also fight myself over what projects see the light of day and which are kept simmering on the back burner.

                You see, I’ve written 2 full length novels that I’ve kept hidden away. The idea was that I would put out “I Am A Broken House” and then follow it up with smaller projects that would hopefully build an audience for the novels to come. I figured “Broken House” would make a tiny profit that I could roll into the next venture or two. Thankfully, it did. I wanted to work on “Rough Trade” next—a collection of short stories I had written over the last few years.

                Conventional wisdom—and my uncle—said the better idea would be to get one of the novels out there. There were pros and there were cons but, ultimately, it made sense. Fiction is what I want to do. It’s where my passion lies. So, I dusted off my YA novel “Worlds Apart” and started to make notes for a solid edit and rewrite. I even wrote out notes for the eventual sequel so that I could lay some of that groundwork with the rewriting.

                Then, I had one of those days. See, every now and then I have a day where I just feel like I’m going nowhere fast…spinning my wheels. I had the sudden fear that, by the time I could beat that manuscript into shape, I would lose what little readership I had managed to build. So, I panicked.

                I took “Underneath,” a dark short story I had written, and decided it was nearly ready to go. I could edit it and do an eBook single to keep some fresh material coming. Only, I don’t do anything simply. If you own an eReader, you are likely all too aware of how much self-published garbage there is to sift through before you come across something worth your time and money. Most of the covers are atrocious and the formatting is sometimes non-existent. I can’t work like that. If my name is on something, I want it to be the best I can make it. Fly or flop, I want the project itself to be of the highest quality…or, at least, the highest quality I can afford at the time. I worked to make sure the eBook was solid and as professional as I could get it. But, I also wanted to offer readers something special…something they could hold in their hands.

                So, I asked my good friend (and collaborator on the upcoming serialized novel “Orchard Circle”) Jason Webb to help me turn “Underneath” into a Limited Edition chapbook that we could sell along with the digital version. A chapbook. That’s simple, right? Nope. Not with me at the helm.

                I had a vision of the chapbook that I wanted to make a reality and,

It may have been a flop, but at least it cost too much to make.
It may have been a flop, but at least it cost too much to make.
in pursuit of making it “cool” and “collectible,” I spent way more on the production of it than I did “I Am A Broken House.” I wanted coal black card stock because the story takes place in a mine. But black means it can’t be printed on, so I needed decals for the cover. Sure, why not? And it would be sweet if it could have a flap with a Velcro tab to keep it shut. And so on and so on. I can honestly say that I put a tremendous amount of effort into making that chapbook what it is. And what it is, if I’m really honest with you, is a failure.

                Now, I have no regrets and I understand in hindsight why publishing “Underneath” was the wrong move at the wrong time. I’m growing into this business and learning which instincts to trust and which are faulty. I’m learning more about whom my readers are and what they do and don’t want from me. Sometimes, you have to make mistakes to grow and I’ll likely make a few more before all is said and done. “Underneath” is a good story and I’m glad it saw the light of day even if only a handful of people will ever read it. However, it didn’t even sell enough copies to recoup the cost of producing it. Maybe the timing was just wrong. Maybe I misjudged my readership. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

                The thing is, this isn’t a movie. Failure is an option and a real possibility and I’ve come to realize that’s okay. I realize that I have to pursue this crazy passion of mine with a great deal of courage and the occasional bout of stupidity. No matter how well I plan and position, projects will fail to find a market. No matter how well I tell a story, there may be many that feel I could’ve told it better. All I can do is my level best. I can also enlist incredibly talented people to help. Jason Webb, for instance, did a fantastic job on the art for “Underneath.” The main reason I regret that it was a flop was that it means too few got to see the incredible artwork Jason created. I’m hiring freelance editors to make sure that, when those novels finally see the light of day, they are ready for their moment in the sun. Then, hit or miss, I can be proud of what I put out there.

                I guess the point of all this is that it can be tempting to allow failure to pull the rug out from under you. I suppose I could have second guessed myself into oblivion, but why? It’s better to examine our failures just enough to avoid the same pitfalls and then apply what we’ve learned to the next project and the one after that. I’m not a failure—the project was. I’m only defeated if I stop doing what I love. And failure, by the way, is a momentary state. I still have copies of “Underneath” to sell, both chapbooks and digital copies, and I’ll keep making it available until they are all gone. Why? Because what I write next may inspire someone to read “Underneath.” Ten projects from now, I could write a horror story that connects with a broader audience that suddenly wants to read the only other horror story I’ve ever written. The project may have flopped, but the author is only a failure if he gives up.

                Are there things in your life that make you feel like a failure? Whether it’s a project that you never finished or a relationship you allowed to get lost in the shuffle of your life, snap out of it. That moment may have been a failure, but you aren’t. There’s still time to set things right—so dust off that project or call that friend and get the job done. I know not everything is salvageable, but even if you can’t fix it, you can learn from it.

                So cheer up. Your feet may be a bit bloody and the bad guys may have taken over Nakatomi Plaza, but you’ve still got a couple of rounds in your pistol. With a bit of fortune and some duct tape, you might still be able to save the day.

            Yippee-kaiyay, mo— Well, you get the idea.

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