“Merry” is a word we tend to associate with this season. It means joyful, happy, festive. If we’re being honest, however, most of us find the holiday season to be, at best, a mixed bag and, at worst, a time where loss is underscored by the happiness we see around us.
Tonight, the temperature will drop below freezing. My back is out, and any wrong movement could send pain shooting through me, tightening every muscle so intensely I can’t move. Money is tight. My favorite coffee shop is closing. Tomorrow’s church service was cancelled because of the weather. But I’m “merry” all the same because my hope is built on the Author of my story…whose mercy is made new each day and whose grace has sustained me since I first trusted Him at the age of 4.
But that isn’t everyone’s story.
I use the word “story” when I talk about life because I’m a writer of fiction. Every life, when it comes down to it, is a story. Some are happy. Some are sad. Some are filled with great drama. Others are simple affairs, devoid of anything that could be adapted into a blockbuster motion picture. As I await Christmas and ponder the blessed Incarnation, my mind turns toward others whose perspectives might be different.
My friend, Scott, whom I’ve known for so many years now that I scarcely recall life before we met, is not at all enthused about Christmas. He’s lost a mother and a brother in recent years. He’s had family let him down. He’s lost a job he truly loved. I don’t have to tell you that such things take a toll on the heart and weigh heavily on the mind. This year, there’s no joy for Scott in the carols or the tree. The hope born to us in a manger seems too distant to comfort his sorrow. The lights and tinsel only remind him of his grief. The spirit of the season seems, to him, a thorn in his side. “Merry” must surely seem like a curse now. He cannot see past the shroud of all that haunts him to find joy and peace waiting for him down the road. There is nothing I can say or do to change that. I can only pray and trust the One who loves him more than I ever could.
My friend, Shawn, is closing her business…my favorite writing/coffee haunt. It’s her choice. She opened the place with her sister, Caitlin, when they were both single and had nothing but time to pour into their business like so much java into a cup. Caitlin is now married and just had a child. She wants other things. Shawn does, too. None of that changes the fact that they are saying goodbye to something they held dear just before Christmas. Shawn, Caitlin, and their entire family, trust the One who holds tomorrow with anything and everything that comes next. But the complex emotions are still there. They are excited for new adventures and a bit sad that they must let go of a business they began together. Life changes and they will change with it. But it stings a bit. And this Christmas will be marked by those feelings warring for supremacy.
It okay, you know. To be hurt. To be happy. To be a bit afraid. To be jubilant. To be soured on Christmas this year. Or, even, to be unsure of how to feel. Life is complex. Emotions are, too. Sometimes we feel how we feel for very specific reasons. Other times, we have little idea why we feel the way we do. We’re human. We’re messy. We’re inconsistent.
I can’t possibly know how YOU feel this holiday season, dear reader, but I know you’re messy, too. Maybe it’s your best Christmas yet. Perhaps it’s the worst. It could even be a maddening concoction of both…a cocktail of complex feelings you find impossible to navigate. Whatever the case, I want to share with you how I manage to stay “merry” regardless of my circumstances.
When I see the tree aglow and surrounded by gifts, sometimes my heart aches for loved ones that have passed on. My mom and dad. My brother. Too many others to name. But then I recall that I only miss them because of the joy they brought me. I had been given a great gift. It didn’t have to be so. They were, each and every one, a blessing I didn’t deserve.
When money is tight (and isn’t it always?) and despair or worry wants to steer my mind toward negativity, I focus on what I have instead of what I lack. I have a wife who loves me. Truly. Even when I’m unworthy of it. She’s my friend. My counselor. My partner. I have three kids who love me. My oldest is 27 but still calls or texts me sometimes with a simple “I love you” so this old man doesn’t forget. I’ve got a 14-year-old daughter who still wants a hug at the start of every day and a kiss on the cheek before bed. I’ve got an 11-year-old son who still tells me he loves me and blows me a kiss when he gets out of the car each morning. What other gifts do I need?
When my back aches, I turn my thoughts toward the pain and brutality the Word of God bore for me on the cross. When I despair that no one is reading the books I work so hard to write, I remember the joy of the journey to get there. And the sweet, supportive friends who always have my back. Though I’m sad about my friends closing my favorite coffee shop, I take great joy in having known them. They’ve given so much of themselves to our community…and to me…that I know I am richer for having known them.
“Merry” isn’t A.W.O.L. at all. Sometimes we just aren’t equipped or ready to find it. Maybe that’s you this year. If it is, my prayers are with you. That Christ would be born into your world the way He was born into mine. That His grace would sustain and nourish you. That His peace would find you even in the darkest moments of life. And that His love would become a foundation upon which He will build “merry” in your heart for years to come. Until then, know that I love you…no matter where you are in your story or how complex your feelings may be this year. I’m grateful that you have become part of MY story.
J. Patrick Lemarr
